All the revealed Pokemon from Sun and Moon, rated by ridiculousness
When it comes to ranking Pokemon, there are a lot of practical, entirely reasonable ways to do it -- by attack power, by popularity, by the internationally-accepted Cuteness Index -- and then there's this. Yeah, we've all seen that made-over Exeggutor with the extremely long neck, but that's not even the most random-ass thing to come out of this generation so far.
In a situation like this, the good people at Zam have stepped up to provide a new metric for categorization which better suits these modern times. This calls for...
...Let's do this.
Kris: If you took away his bowtie he'd just be a pretty normal owl. Cute, but not really creative. Total Krabby.
Laura: I am 100% onboard with all the Rowlet love online. This is an A+ starter.
Kris: This cat gets ridic points for the fat mustache-y whiskers and the big dang alchemical symbol for sulfur right on its face. Otherwise I'd say our feline friend fits right into the middle of the road for "yep, that's a Pokemon."
Laura: Litten is the Cool One of the new starting three. I would like to buy Litten gear at Hot Topic.
Danielle: Popplio legitimately looks like my real-life puppy. Only we call him "Pooplio," for... puppy reasons. So, I have to think it's cute, or I'd be a bad mom.
Kris: I, on the other hand, am not a dog owner, so I can safely say: fuck this seal-dog frill-collar-looking-ass motherfucker.
Laura: NOBODY INSULTS POPPLIO ON MY WATCH. POPPLIO IS GENUINELY CUTE. I WILL FIGHT YOU.
Kris: I know it's too early to be so bored with these I can't think of a quip, but I can't think of a quip for this one.
Laura: Rockruff is a “Puppy Pokemon,” scientifically, so I am in favor of it.
Laura: I am OK with the fact that the Pokemon universe now contains straight-up ordinary koalas.
Kris: The only fanciful thing about this koala Pokemon is that it lives in Hawaii.
Danielle: I really like to think this is inspired by Log Lady from Twin Peaks. But, you know, a koala.
Laura: It is an OK bird. I have no additional opinions about this bird, just as I have no additional opinions about the regular birds in the real world.
Kris: I'm gonna go to bat for this birdo, I think it's a nice, streamlined design, visually distinct enough from the other bird Pokes we've seen so far.
Kris: It's Donald Trump, I don't know where that fits on our scale but I want it gone.
Laura: I am a huge fan of this bad hair mongoose shit. The teeth are good. More teeth weasel Pokemon, please.
Kris: I take it back, this is the Donald Trump, who honestly thought this was a good idea.
Laura: My prayers have been answered -- another teeth weasel Pokemon! And it is also a detective!! Look at the way it is standing. Nice. A detective weasel. A weasel, who is also a detective. A detective who is, actually, a Pokemon, and also a bad hair rodent. I approve.
Kris: You know what I figured out after reading the Japanese names for these guys, Yangoose and Dekagoose? Yangoose is a 'yankii,' a Japanese juvenile delinquent. So I guess Dekagoose is him growing up into a tough streetwise cop. I like the designs a little better when I think of them like that.
Kris: That's a big-ass set of pincers for a larva stage Pokemon. I guess it gets a few ridic points for that.
Laura: I would stomp on this Pokemon if I found it in my yard.
Kris: IT... IT'S LIKE A LITTLE GREEN BUS…
Laura: Can I get an animation of it chomping its sideways teeth? I refuse to judge it until I see its teeth chomping a lil’ bit.
Laura: I like the bug undercarriage but I do not understand why it has a window on its back.
Kris: This is clearly a Transformer who got lost and wound up in the wrong franchise.
Kris: Oh what the fuck is this Puff the Magic Dragon-looking shit
Laura: Someone get this little man some god damn eyeballs
Kris: I don't know if I'd call it weird since there are real tropical fish this clearly resembles, but I definitely don't want it.
Laura: I would like to be friends with Bruxish on Facebook. They clearly have a lot of juicy stuff to say about other Pokemon.
Kris: Bee flies are ready-made Pokemon anyway so this fits right in as a fictional creature. So cuddly, could do with a couple extra legs though.
Laura: It should not be allowed for anyone to name a Pokemon “Cutiefly.” What’s next? “Goodlookingdog”? “Nicecat”? “Prettyanimal”?
Kris: You can't just keep filling Pikachu full of helium and calling it a new animal.
Laura: I’m okay with additional, fucked-up Pikachus.
Laura: When I was a kid I would spend recess wandering around in the woods next to the playground, digging salamanders out from under rocks, and storing them in a paper drinking cup. Sometimes I would pretend to drink from the cup. What I’m saying is that I have caught Salandit before, and it’s a cool Pokemon, and I approve of it.
Kris: Why does it have a gecko handprint on its butt?
Laura: Yeah, okay, it’s a good Pokemon. It’s mostly the pose that I approve of, to be honest.
Kris: IT'S WEARING A FLUFFY ANIMAL EAR HEADBAND. IT WAS NOT CONTENT TO JUST BE A PINK BEAR, IT NEEDED FLUFFY WHITE EARS. This thing's a way bigger fake than Mimikyu.
Kris: Best new design in years.
Laura: Like everyone else on the internet, I thoroughly enjoy the idea of a blanket pretending to be a Pikachu because it is sad. Anyone who insults Mimikyu has to fight me.
Kris: I especially like the fanart that suggests that under the costume Mimikyu is truly mindbendingly horrifying, like something out of a Junji Ito manga. That just makes it even cuter somehow.
Laura: This pokemon looks like something I would find trying to lay its eggs under a blanket in the corner of my room. It’s a messed-up-animal, but it looks like actually an actual actual animal, which is how I determine a Pokemon’s worthiness. A+.
Danielle: So, I don't want to be mean here. But Wimpod is literally a bug Pokemon that looks like a dying insect. Its ability is "Wimp Out." What kid on the playground will march out with her troupe of colorful characters, plop on her Wimpod cap, and yell "I'M GONNA WIMP OUT ON ALL Y'ALL!" No one, that's who.
Kris: It's a lychee with eyes and a mouth. Would you... would you be able to eat that? I'd be too freaked out. This is total Klefki territory.
Laura: How many Pokemon are literally just a seed now? Like, fifty? Stop it, guys. I am pretty sure they already did this one.
Laura: Comfey is a garland. I have no respect for this Pokemon.
Kris: Listen, I really need to know -- if you cut the stems, does it start to bleed? This is the number one thing I always wonder about plant Pokemon. Is it flora or fauna? If fauna, does that mean it's a lei made of meat merely resembling flowers? Is it a soft meat crown?
Kris: Look at this jackass.
Laura: I actually like this. This is some close-to-gen-1-quality actually-an-animal Pokemon. A+.
Kris: Wait, how do you get a draft horse from a donkey? They're completely different species. Anyway, it's time to start bringing legwarmers back and this guy might be the way to do it.
Laura: I actually like this goopy horse. Ride on, Mudsdale.
Danielle: I need to know if those are dreadlocks. This is very hard to rate without knowing this crucial bit of information.
Kris: Is this season two of Stranger Things
Laura: Is there a whole space-level Pokemon ecosystem? CAN THE NEXT POKEMON GAME TAKE PLACE IN SPACE???
Kris: I'm so old I remember when "Pokemon come from the Moon" was the official explanation for EVERYTHING in this series.
Kris: Haven't we exhausted the "I'm a cute plant with eyes that evolves into fetish fuel" genre yet?
Laura: As plant-looking Pokemon go, this one is pretty decent. I approve.
Laura: This is a praying mantis wearing pinstripe trousers. It is wearing a tiny bug tailcoat. NICE.
Kris: Definitely haute couture.
Kris: How depressing it must be to have a pair of pompoms stuck to the ends of your hands/wings/whatever for your entire life, everyone believing you're raising everybody's spirits when in fact you're the one who needs some cheer... This is too sad... That poor Oricorio…
Laura: This fancy dance bird can’t make up its goddamn mind. At least it looks like an actual bird, though. I will give it a pass.
Kris: I guess you don't need extremely functional hands when you're basically a god, right?
Laura: I am unable to parse the form of this Pokemon with my human eyes.
Kris: If you're going to make an artificial robot Pokemon, why do you make it look like this?
Laura: Humans need to quit making Pokemon. We suck at it.
Kris: In fairness, our real-life robot animals are way creepier.
Kris: It's Liger Zero!
Laura: I LOVE this one. This is my favorite new Pokemon. It looks like something I would bring to the Elite Four. It is a rare giant electric lion with an umbrella face that also has boots for hands. YES. GOOD.
Kris: No. Come on. No. I'd accept the magic keys before this.
Laura: This Pokemon looks suspiciously like some “chakra-influencing” object that your wacky aunt hung over your cousin’s crib. Remove it from my sight.
And now for the Alolan variants of G1 'mons...
Kris: IT CAN'T ROLL INTO A BALL SO IT JUST SLIDES DOWN THE SNOW LIKE A PENGUIN, I'LL TAKE TEN.
Laura: Its face is a tiny igloo. This should not be allowed. Get your hands off my Sandshrew.
Kris: How the fuck do you manage to make a Sonic fursona in a Pokemon game
Laura: Get your hands off my Sandslash.
Kris: PRECIOUS PERFECT WHIPPED CREAM VANILLA ICE CREAM CONE. Oh wait that's literally another Pokemon already.
Laura: Leave my child, Vulpix, the fuck alone.
Kris: I'm naming mine Elsa Galadriel Zarathustra Moonshine.
Laura: Cease messing with my good friend, Ninetales.
Kris: What I'm most concerned about is that poor little head hanging out on this thing's tail. This is some abject Cronenberg level of horrifying. Please put it out of its misery.
Laura: This is a war crime. The U.N. must ban this filth.
All images from Serebii.net.