If Hanzo were your Boyfriend...

Oh, sure, there are plenty of attractive Overwatch heroes. But there's only one who could put an arrow right through our hearts: the sexy, stoic, sometimes shouting Hanzo.

If Hanzo were your boyfriend it would be eight dates before you held hands, and about 20 more before you kissed, and he would tell you he thinks this relationship is moving too fast.

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, you'd whisper to him, “Hey, Cupid, why dontcha shoot me with your arrow,” but Hanzo would look at you very seriously and say "Cupid was a coward. I would never shoot unwilling combatants."

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, once he became comfortable enough with you, he would admit that his Harry Potter house is Hufflepuff.

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, he would be Extremely Against watching you play Metal Gear Solid for reasons he can never articulate.

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, after hours of passionate lovemaking, he'd look dreamily into your eyes and whisper: “....ryuu ga WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!!!!”

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, he would admit that he has cried twice in his life: once while watching Armageddon, and once when he let you cut his hair.

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, you'd take him to meet your parents, and he'd be like, "Oh, I've heard so much about you, I've been so eager to... ....ryuu ga WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!!!!

...holy shit I'm so sorry that just slips out sometimes can I get you an ice pack?? Shit shit I've ruined everything"

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, Genji would constantly call you and ask "Hey, how is Hanzo doing?" And you'd say, "Why don't you call him yourself?" and then Hanzo would overhear and he'd be like "MY BROTHER. YOU BELIEVED LIFE WAS LIKE THE STORIES OUR FATHER TOLD US" and Genji would be like "Crap, I'm sorry. Hanging up!!" and Hanzo would continue "I HAD TO DO WHAT HAD TO BE DONE, FOR THE CLAN," and he'd pick up the phone and shout into the dial tone "RYUUU GA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!!! GENJI?? GENJI ARE YOU THERE"

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, every time you go out to dinner, you'd order a medium-rare hamburger, and they'd deliver a rare hamburger, and Hanzo would say "Well, that's not right, let's send it back" and you'd be like "NO NO WAIT" and he'd say "No it's fine! I'll just ask them" and you'd say "WAIT HANZO LET ME ASK" and he'd wave down the waiter and say "Excuse me, I'm sorry, I think this burger is ryuu ga waga teki wo kurau!! Oh sorry I didn't mean-- I didn't mean to-- okay, shit, I apologize. We'll-- we'll just leave. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-- no-- okay. I understand. I'm sorry!"

If Hanzo were your boyfriend, at your wedding he'd get up to the podium and say "I've wanted forever to say how much I love--" and then you're like "NO NO HANZO STOP. WAIT" and he continues "--always wanted to say how much I love my dearest--" and then you run over and just flying tackle him into the crowd.

This article was written with generous help from Kris Ligman and Laura Michet, and draws its influence from The Toast's If X Were Your Y series, to which we here at ZAM owe a huge debt! Previously: If Zarya Were Your Girlfriend.