If Zarya Were Your Girlfriend
If Zarya were your girlfriend, you'd never again worry about opening stuck pickle jars.
If Zarya were your girlfriend, every day would be leg day. And arm day. And glutes day. But especially arm day.
If Zarya were your girlfriend you would always have impeccably dyed neon hair in absolutely any color you liked and Zarya would always agree that it looked fantastic, very fierce. She would happily touch up your roots for you as well and it always makes you feel so special and well-cared for, like you're at a spa or something. At first you're nervous about reciprocating because you don't want to mess up her color but she gives you a swaggering grin and assures you that you'll do excellent, love.
If Zarya were your girlfriend, you wouldn't even mind that she brought you home from the bar with a smile and an awful line about her pulsing graviton surge some shit.
If Zarya were your girlfriend, she'd take you on the perfect date: a Sambo wrestling match where she submits all comers, brings you home, then makes you pancakes for breakfast the next morning. She eats them whole, smiling after every bite and whispering "It satisfies, no?"
If Zarya were your girlfriend every time you went out to a bar she would make eye-contact with the bartender over the heads of the crowd and the bartender would serve you immediately, no matter who had been waiting, or how long. And when you finished buying your drink Zarya would put the tip directly into the bartender's hand saying, "Here. This is for you," instead of leaving it on the counter, and the bartender would be very impressed.
If Zarya were your girlfriend she would send you facebook messages all day long containing either a) links to videos of various Olympic athletes performing feats of extraordinary athleticism b) vines of that shiba inu dancing to various pop songs
If Zarya were your girlfriend, you wouldn't even mind -- in fact, you'd find it charming -- that she bench presses the bed, with you on it, every morning to wake up.
If Zarya were your girlfriend, you could curl up together, watch Game of Thrones, and fantasize about which puny men she'd crush first. Sometimes she gets too into it and begins shouting "No. NO. DO NOT DO THAT," at the TV in an extremely serious voice every time any character did anything foolish, to the point where it would become difficult, actually, to watch the show with her at all.
If Zarya were your girlfriend, you'd watch The Americans together and she wouldn't really understand "what all the crying was about."
This article was written with generous help from Kris Ligman and Laura Michet, and draws its influence from The Toast's If X Were Your Y series, to which we here at ZAM owe a huge debt! Previously: If Nick Valentine Were Your Boyfriend.